


Things Almost Remembered

by SkyFireForever



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Brainwashing, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Clint Barton Needs a Hug, F/M, Friendship, Healing, Hurt Clint Barton, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), Hydra Clint, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Minor Bucky Barnes/Sam Wilson, Minor Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Multi, Natasha Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-08 20:13:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12872142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyFireForever/pseuds/SkyFireForever
Summary: Natasha Romanoff always had a hard time getting close to people, too afraid of them leaving her. She built walls around her heart and only a handful of people had the key. One of those people was Clint Barton, the man she had been assigned to kill on one her missions for HYDRA, but that was a long time ago. Things had changed. Natasha had changed. Clint had been someone that she trusted, who she loved. When Clint goes missing three months after his and Natasha's engagement, Natasha feels cold. She never gives up hope that he might be alive. When he is found a year later, she almost wishes that he wasn't.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a plot idea I've had for a long time and I finally decided to make a fic out of it. I really hope that you enjoy it. :3

Natasha sat in her little two bedroom apartment, her back resting against the old couch that stood in the middle of the living room. She sighed, holding her steaming cup of coffee in her hands and hating the silence that filled the house. Usually, Natasha enjoyed the quiet, it gave her the chance to think and to focus on her thoughts, but in this apartment, the apartment that used to be _theirs_ , but was now just _hers,_ the silence was deafening. It had been over a year. Natasha pretended not to know the exact amount of time (one year, three months, and fourteen days), because the time didn’t matter. After a year, Natasha thought she would’ve been over it. Agents were lost on missions all of the time, it was an occupational hazard when you’re a superhero, there was nothing that could be done about it. She’d lost friends on missions before, people she was close to, people she had cared about, gone forever. Natasha rarely allowed herself the time to grieve, she didn’t want to grieve. She would attend the funeral, she might need to be by herself for a week, but she always recovered. It never took her more than a month or two for her to get back on her feet, to move on. This shouldn’t be different, it shouldn’t have been. Natasha had known from the moment she met Clint that there was a chance that one of them would die before the other, hell, she had been trying to kill him herself. Clint was an agent, he was Avenger, Natasha knew the risk when they had become romantically involved, she had trained herself to prepare for it, so why did it still hurt? Clint shouldn’t have been different, but he was and Natasha couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t. Clint hadn’t just been another agent, he was her partner, her fiance. He wasn’t an agent that she would be over in a year, not in two, not in three, not ever.

Natasha sighed deeply and rose to her feet, trying to shake the feeling off. She couldn’t just sit here and mope, that wasn’t like her. Yes, she missed Clint. Yes, she would always miss Clint, but sitting around and doing nothing wouldn’t help anything. She walked into the kitchen, setting her mug of coffee on the countertop with a soft sigh before leaning against the very counter She twisted her engagement ring, the diamond catching the overhead light at certain angles and sparkling. She considered checking in with SHIELD, to see if they had any updates on Clint, but she knew they wouldn’t have. She had threatened them until she was absolutely certain that she would be the first person notified of any new information. She didn’t need to sit at SHIELD, that was just as bad as moping about in her apartment. What she needed was a distraction, something to put her mind on and keep it there, keep it away from thoughts of Clint. She took out her cell phone, scrolling through the contacts before landing on ‘Soldier Boy’. She pressed the call button.

“Hello?” Bucky’s voice sounded gruff, tired, picking up after the third ring. “Is something up?”

“Well, hey, soldier. It’s good to hear from you too.” Natasha said sarcastically. “I’m doing well, thanks for asking. How are you?” Her voice was light and snarky, settling into the playful Tone that she usually used with Bucky.

Natasha could practically hear the eyeroll on the other end. “I’m fine, Nat.” Bucky said, but his tone was soft. He yawned and Natasha could make out some scuffling noises “Damn, what time is it? You woke me up.”

“Bucky, it’s eleven o'clock. You should be up by now.” Natasha rolled her eyes, but she felt a twinge of guilt. She hadn’t thought of the possibility that Bucky might have been sleeping, the super soldier was usually up by five in the morning. Bucky didn’t need as much sleep as normal people and he tended to avoid it, as he usually had nightmares. Natasha felt bad for interpreting his rest when he very clearly needed it.

Something in Natasha’s voice must have given away her guilt, because Bucky’s response was kind. “Don’t worry, I’ve been sleeping a lot more.” He informed her. “It’s mostly Sam, says that sleep heals the mind as well as the body. I’ve slept almost every night this week.” There was a hint of pride in his voice that made Natasha smile.

“I’m glad.” Natasha said honestly. Sam was truly doing Bucky a world of good. He was technically Bucky’s therapist, but Bucky hated to think of it that way, so everyone let him claim that Sam was just a friend who was helping out. The two of them bickered constantly, but anyone could see how much the two of them cared for one another. “So, are you busy?” She asked, sitting herself on the counter.

“Not at the moment.” Bucky responded. “I’m free until…” He trailed off and some rustling in the background told Natasha that he was looking for something. “Six-thirty.” He said eventually. “Why? You making plans?

Natasha smiled, curious as to what Bucky was doing at six-thirty, but didn’t ask. “I was wondering if you wanted to go get some lunch. I’m bored out of my skull and Steve is on a mission, so why not call his backup?” She teased, not wanting to admit how much she needed a distraction from her own thoughts.

“I’m in.” Bucky said. “But only if you’re paying.”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Yeah, it’s a deal.” She smiled to herself, feeling like a weight had been lifted once Bucky agreed.

“Great.” Bucky’s voice came from the other end. “I’ll meet you at our usual place at twelve?” He requested.

“Sounds perfect.” Natasha agreed. “See you there.” She hung up and stretched, looking around her cozy kitchen. She had an hour to kill, so she figured that she might as well take a shower and change. She hopped off of the counter and busied herself with getting ready.

\------------------------------------

Natasha walked down the sidewalk towards a small restaurant not too far away from her away from her apartment. She smiled when she saw that Bucky already had gotten a table outside and was sitting, reading a newspaper. Bucky always seemed to be pouring over the news, always needing to be caught up on everything that was happening in the world. He hated being behind on anything. Natasha sat in the chair across from the soldier, an easy smile on her face. “Hey there, soldier.” She greeted.

Bucky looked up, seeming startled. Natasha wondered if he had even heard her approach. For a supersoldier, he could be snuck up on quite easily when he was focused on something else. He smiled back at his friend, folding up the paper and setting it to the side. “Hello.” He sat up straighter. “I already ordered our drinks. I got you a water with lemon.”

“Sounds perfect.” Natasha nodded, the smile never leaving her face. Her eyes flickered to the newspaper. “Anything interesting?” She asked, trying to be casual about it. With their jobs, asking about the news was really a question of if they had a job to do rather than idle smalltalk.

Bucky shook his head. “Nothing for us.” He assured her. “Mostly just politics and an adoption thing for animals in a shelter.” He explained as a waiter returned with their drinks. They both smiled and thanked them as they walked off.

“Good.” Natasha continued the conversation after the waiter left. “The last thing we need is more work.” She murmured mostly to herself as she took a sip of her water. Bucky nodded in agreement and a sly smirk appeared across Natasha’s face. “So, what’s happening at six-thirty?” She asked with a raised eyebrow, clearly interested.

If Bucky thought that he could hide his light blush from Natasha, he was dead wrong. “Huh? Oh, uh…” He adjusted the collar of his shirt and swallowed hard. “It’s nothing.” He waved Natasha off.

Natasha smirked, watching Bucky. “Nothing?” She cocked an eyebrow at him. “There’s no way that it’s nothing, not with that look.” She teased.

Bucky flushed, but he knew that Natasha wouldn’t let it go. “It’s nothing important.” He amended. “It’s just dinner plans.” He tried to get it over with, acting like it wasn’t a big deal, but Natasha knew better, she always did.

“Is the great James Barnes going on a date?” She asked, her eyes twinkling with amusement. “Who with?”

“It’s not a date.” Bucky insisted, but he melted when Natasha gave him a look. “Not officially.” He murmured. “And it’s with, uh…” He rubbed the back of his neck, mumbling something unintelligible.

Natasha leaned closer. “What was that?” She asked, even though she was fairly certain that she already knew who it was.

Bucky sighed, defeated, slumping back into his seat. “Sam.” He muttered, arms crossed and cheeks pink.

“I knew it.” Natasha said, not in a gloating way, just as a statement. “Congratulations. I’m happy for you.” She meant it, she really did. Bucky deserved happiness and if he could find that in Sam, then that was great. She couldn’t ignore the slight sadness that she felt, though, the slight envy. It did hurt that Bucky was finally getting to experience what Natasha had lost, but that didn’t really matter. She was happy for him, she was proud that he’d gotten to the point where he’d even consider romance as something he could want. She just couldn’t shake the empty feeling that came with missing Clint.

Bucky tried to look stern and sulk, but he wasn’t very good at hiding the betraying smile that quirked up the corners of his lips. “Thanks.” He said eventually, still not meeting Natasha’s eye directly. The waiter came over at the moment to take their food orders before leaving them to make more smalltalk, asking about each other’s lives, Avenger business, and any other topic that the conversation came to.

They were just asking for the check when Natasha’s phone rang. She sighed, taking it out to decline the call, but she stopped when she saw it was from Steve. Steve was currently out on a mission, he shouldn’t be calling anyone, not unless he had gotten back, which he wasn’t scheduled to do until next week. She glanced at Bucky, who made a motion that suggested for her to answer it, and she swiped the answer button. “Hello?”

“Natasha? It’s Steve.” Steve’s voice came from the other end as if Natasha wouldn’t know who was speaking. “It’s Clint.”

Natasha’s blood went cold at the very mention of him. No one had brought up Clint in months. Natasha seemed to have frozen up, not processing any of what Steve was saying about what was going on and what had happened. She tunned back in and shook her head. “Steve. Did you say Clint?” She asked, voice trembling. “Steve, what…” She was trembling and his next words made everything stop.

“He’s alive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that my writing isn't the best, but I'm working on it! Please leave comments, feedback, suggestions, and predictions! Comments mean the world to me. ^-^


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter so soon, yay! This chapter is probably pretty bad as I wrote it on like four hours of sleep, sorry. I just wanted to write, so here you go!

Natasha burst through the doors, her face set in her usual mask of complete calm. The only hint that anything was wrong was her quick pace as she walked through the halls of SHIELD headquarters, a determined look on her face. Anyone who saw her would most likely assume that she was on a mission or trying to inform SHIELD of a potential threat, it wouldn’t be anything new, they were used to Natasha coming into headquarters with a similar expression. No one could possibly know what was running through her mind, hell, she could barely figure out what was going through her mind. She was experiencing too many emotions at once to know what to focus on. There was the hope and relief of knowing that Clint was alive, of knowing that he was back now, that Natasha was moments away from seeing her fiance for the first time in over a year. Part of that relief was overshadowed by the suffocating fear, the fear that Clint would be hurt and broken and that Natasha wouldn’t be able to handle seeing him like that. He’d been held by HYDRA for a _year,_ it would be foolish to think that he would come back unscathed. He would probably be scared and traumatised, he might not want to be touched, he almost definitely wouldn’t want to talk about what he’d been through. Natasha was so frightened that she wouldn’t be able to handle it, that she wouldn’t be able to help put Clint back together after this. That insecurity was eating away at her even as she walked directly towards the infirmary, Bucky trailing behind her.

Natasha wouldn’t let anyone stand in her way, weaving through various agents to get to her destination. She couldn’t even process that Bucky was calling after her, getting further and further behind her as she walked with only one thought in mind. Clint. She had to get to Clint, she had to see him. Her emotions didn’t matter, not right now. All that mattered was Clint and getting to him, not Natasha’s fear of breaking down when she saw him, not her anger at HYDRA, nothing but Clint. She stormed into the waiting room of the infirmary, coming face-to-face with none other than Nick Fury, standing with his arms behind his back, as if he had been waiting for Natasha to arrive, which he most-likely was. He fixed his gaze on Natasha and when she moved to enter the infirmary, he stepped in her path, blocking her when she tried to go around him.

Natasha’s eyes narrowed and she growled. “Get out of my way, Fury.” She spat, her voice laced with venom.

“Romanoff.” Fury’s voice was calm and steady, but held the same no-nonsense tone that it always did. “Sit down.” His voice made it clear that it was not a request.

Natasha wanted to scream, she wanted to punch Fury in his stupid face. How dare he ask her to sit down, to wait even another second before running to Clint? She wanted to scream and punch and cry, but she did none of those things. Her face remained stoic, fixing Fury with an icy glare before slowly sitting down in one of the chairs. “Is there a reason for this?” She asked, her voice cold and emotionless.

Fury sighed, standing in front of Natasha as she stared up at him. He cleared his throat, very clearly trying to think of how to word the information he was about to give the agent before him. “I understand that you are eager to see Barton.” He started, being cut off by Natasha’s scoff. He fixed her with a glare before continuing. “I didn’t intend on you being informed of Barton’s retrieval this soon.” He admitted and Natasha balled her hands into fists. Retrieval. Like Clint was nothing more than a tool. “Captain Rogers clearly had other ideas.” His face changed into a grimace, clearly unhappy with Steve’s decision to tell Natasha. “There’s no changing that now.” He said resolutely. “But I need you to handle this with the highest degree of professionalism. I understand that this is rather personal to you, but-”

Natasha couldn’t hold back anymore. “Of fucking course it’s personal.” She snapped. “He’s my _fiance_.” She crossed her arms, glaring at Fury with fire in her eyes. “And I have the right to know-”

“But if you want to continue being informed on his condition, I need you to remain professional and unbiased.” Fury continued as if he hadn’t heard Natasha’s interruption. “If you think that you can’t handle that, it would be best for you to leave now.” He made it sound like it was an offer, but they both knew exactly what it was. It was a threat, a threat that he was holding over Natasha’s head. If she didn’t listen, if she didn’t obey, she wouldn’t be able to see Clint. She would be cut off, her clearance denied, and she wouldn’t be able to see Clint until he was released. Fury stared directly into Natasha’s eyes. “Is that understood?”

Natasha was silent for a long time, glaring back into Fury’s eyes as he tried to intimidate her. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest, her blood pumping through her veins so intensely that she could feel it. She took a breath, never breaking eye contact with Fury. “Understood.” She spoke eventually, her voice still cold and even, betraying no hint of emotion.

Fury studied her a moment before nodding. “Good.” He stood up straighter. “There is...a situation.” He spoke slowly, eyes trained on Natasha’s face. A situation. That wasn’t good, that was never good. A situation meant that something was wrong. Natasha felt nauseous, but her face remained blank and she kept quiet, listening intently to Fury’s words. “Captain Rogers has no doubt informed you that it was HYDRA who took Barton?” He looked at her for confirmation, which he received with a simple nod. “We had been watching this particular base for a few months, as we had suspicions of the activity within. We sent a team in to take out the base and retrieve as much information as they cold.” He explained, Natasha hanging onto every word. “Captain Rogers was a part of this group, as I assume you’ve gathered. During the battle, Barton was discovered along with many other missing agents.” Natasha didn’t care. She didn’t care about any of this. She just wanted to see Clint, she wanted to know if he was okay. Fury must be able to see that. “Rogers and his team returned to SHIELD three hours ago, claiming that the mission was a success, bringing in Barton and the other agents.” He continued. “Rogers informed me of what happened at the base and explained the situation.”

“And what is the situation, exactly?” Natasha’s voice was as calm as ever, but inside she was furious. What the hell had happened and why was Fury stalling?

Fury inhaled sharply. “Captain Rogers requested to be the one to tell you.” He said, voice unchanging. He stepped aside and it was the first time Natasha noticed Steve sitting a few chairs away. He was hunched over, eyes firmly on the ground. He looked so tired, like his age had caught up with him within a matter of hours. There was pain in his eyes, a sadness that Natasha could see clearly. The sight made her heart leap into her throat. Something was wrong, horribly wrong. Clint must be in really bad shape to make that look appear on Steve’s face. That look of pure hurt and hopelessness that Natasha could recognize on anyone’s face, she’d seen it countless times. That was the face of someone who had just experienced great loss and was barely holding it together. Oh God, what had happened?

Natasha watched anxiously as Fury walked to Steve, tapping him on the shoulder, making the soldier jump as he was pulled from his thoughts. He looked at Fury before his gaze landed on Natasha, nodding in simple acknowledgement of whatever Fury was telling him. Steve got to his feet, looking as though his body held the weight of the world within its bones. Each step he took towards Natasha made it appear like his shoes were full of lead, he was so clearly hesitant to approach her. He stood in front of her, forcing a shaky smile onto his face that Natasha didn’t appreciate. Here Steve was, trying to pretend that things were okay when they so clearly weren’t. She’d always hated forced smiles, or at least she’d always hated the forced smiles that were supposed to be reassuring but never were. She understood them, understood that they were meant to be comforting, but they couldn’t be. They were lies, lies that tried to mask a terrible situation, but didn’t actually fix anything. It was like spraying febreeze in a room without cleaning the pile of shit that was causing the smell in the first place.

Steve looked at Natasha with that forced smile, barely even able to keep it in place. “H-Hey.” He said shakily, as if she needed to hear a greeting when all she wanted was information on her fiance. Something on her face must have signaled to Steve that his attempt at normalcy wasn’t appreciated and he took a deep breath. “I was part of the group that retrieved Clint.” He began, sounding like he had to force every word from himself. “He….He’s unconscious now, I think. He looks injured, most likely tortured.” He balled his hands into fists as he said it, the idea of his friend being tortured by HYDRA obviously angering him. “But when I first went in, he was conscious.” He said carefully, closing his eyes as he forced himself to continue. “He was conscious and he wasn’t locked up in a cage or anything. He was just...he was just there and he was _Clint_ and he didn’t look...he didn’t look terribly hurt. I had been afraid of finding him unable to walk, bruised and bloody and hurt, but he looked...he looked _okay_ and…” He had to take a deep breath. “And then he looked at me. He looked at me and...and he didn’t recognize me. His eyes were so _cold_ and I knew that he had no idea who I was.” Steve’s hands were trembling and Natasha felt cold. “And he attacked me. He started shouting orders and he ran towards me and…” He trailed off, unable to continue. He shook his head, taking several deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself. Natasha was left with the sound of mostly silence, save the sound of Steve’s heavy breathing.

Natasha felt cold all over, her entire body feeling like it had been drenched in ice water. The feeling seeped through her skin, chilling her to the very bone. She could barely comprehend the information Steve had just given her. She didn’t understand and yet she understood perfectly all at the same time. Clint had been found at a HYDRA base. Clint had been found at a HYDRA base after a _year_ . Clint had been found at a HYDRA base after a year and had attacked Steve. Natasha couldn’t breathe. Everything felt like it was colliding in on itself as her brain worked to put the pieces together while actively pulling them apart because she didn’t _want_ to know. She didn’t want for the realization to hit her. She didn’t want the pieces to fall into place as she came to the conclusion of what must have happened to her fiance. She didn’t want it. Just this once, she wished that she didn’t have to know everything all the time. Clint had attacked Steve. Clint hadn’t recognized Steve. Clint had been kept by HYDRA. Natasha couldn’t move as the information fully processed within her head, the realization hitting her so hard that she was certain that if she had been standing, she would have collapsed. Clint didn’t remember. HYDRA had wiped Clint’s memories. Natasha couldn’t breathe. Everything was spinning around her and she was the only thing that remained still. She tried to take a breath, but her lungs wouldn’t cooperate, refusing to expand enough to let air in. She couldn’t move, her entire body glued to her seat, glued to that moment, that position. Her brain was screaming at her to do something, to move, to get up and start running, to run far, far away from this place. She wanted to run until she couldn’t run anymore, run from SHIELD, run from the Avengers, run from HYDRA, run from Clint. She just wanted to run.

Natasha didn’t know how long she had been lost within her own head, her thoughts trapping her. When she finally came falling back to reality, she was in the exact same spot. She doubted that she had moved at all in the passing time, her body tending to shut down when she was overwhelmed. On the outside, she was calm, collected, unfazed. Inside, she was struggling, a million thoughts and emotions suffocating her. Her Clint was gone, maybe forver, destroyed by HYDRA. Natasha took a shaky breath, trying to keep herself composed. She focused back on Steve, who was sitting beside her now, still looking so tired and hurt. She understood why. This must be a nightmare for Steve. Steve, who had already lost one friend to HYDRA’s brainwashing. Steve who had witnessed firsthand what this did to people. Steve, who was losing another friend to the same damn thing. Steve was still afraid of losing Bucky to HYDRA again, terrified that something might happen to bring the Winter Soldier back, destroying the progress that they had made. Now Clint was going through the same thing that Bucky had and Steve was relieving everything. Natasha took a shaky breath. “They wiped him.” She said after a long moment of silence. Steve looked up, clearly surprised when Natasha started speaking. He nodded slowly. “Damn it.” Natasha swore under her breath, but she remained composed. She closed her eyes. “Do you think there’s a chance of him recovering?”

“I...I don’t...I don’t know.” Steve said honestly, taking a deep breath. “I only interacted with him briefly.” He admitted, running a hand through his hair. “I hope so. God, I hope so.” He murmured.

“I want to see him.” Natasha said before realizing that she was saying it.

Steve looked at her tiredly. “I don’t think that’s-”

“He’ll need to be questioned.” Natasha insisted stubbornly. “He’ll need to be questioned and that’s one of the things I’m good at. I’ll also be able to see if there’s anything left of the real Clint. I know him better than almost anyone else. I’d be the best choice of person to interrogate him” She was determined and she wasn’t about to take no for an answer. She needed to see Clint, even if it wasn’t really Clint. She needed to see for herself that he was alive.

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” Steve said, shaking his head. He didn’t look like he was going to fight with her if it came down to it, though. He looked far too exhausted. “At least not now. You need time to process and prepare.”

“No, I don’t.” Natasha bit out, noticing Steve’s wince. She felt bad for snapping at him, but this was something she needed to do. She stood up. “What I need is to see my fiance.” She marched towards Fury, who turned around to look at her. “I’m going in.” She said firmly, not allowing a chance for him to protest. “I’m going in and I’m questioning him.”

Fury sighed deeply, looking as though he was expecting this to happen. “Fine.” He said, knowing that it wasn’t worth arguing with her. “But we’ll be watching you and if we think it’s necessary, we’re taking you out.”

“Deal.” Natasha said. “Now let me in.” She demanded, determined. Fury just nodded, leading her into the infirmary. They walked in silence down a long hallway, the sound of their footsteps echoing off the walls. They walked until Fury stopped in front of a dark door. He punched in the code and stepped back, giving Natasha an affirming nod. Natasha stared at the door, knowing that Clint was just on the other side. She would finally be seeing him for the first time in a year. She took a deep breath, reaching out to grab the handle. She closed her eyes and pushed the door open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was kinda bad. XD Please leave comments, they mean the world! I love feedback and suggestions.


End file.
